Hallucinations

I'm sorry if this ruins anyone's childhood. Alice in Wonderland is amazing, especially the Tim Burton one. Though Disney is a classic. So, really, either way works; Seeing What Alice Saw

if you ever remembered

sometimes thing are better left unsaid. sometimes the right things are the hardest, and they hurt the most, but in the end they're worth it.
if you're reading this- and you know who you are- you have to let me go. to you, i'm barely a face attached to a name that only you call me. i'm not as amazing as you think. you have your life and i have mine; it's only going to hurt us more if we pretend that our lives could intersect. we are parallel, and we probably always will be. i didn't know how to tell you this before, but you need to know that you deserve more than me. i'm an idea; words on a screen, but you barely know me and i barely know you. i wish this could have been different, but it isn't. please don't hold on to a false hope that this will change, because it won't. you don't need to be there for me, although i admire you for trying. thanks for the memories, but please create your own, without me. believe me when i say, you need to move on.

masks

Sometimes I like to wear a mask,
Put on a plastic face so no one can see.
They've fallen for the person I pretend to be.
Painted with a thousand colors,
I'm a work of art.
As far as they know.
Glued together by the idea of perfection,
I'm an idealistic mess of irony.
A smile pasted permanently over the pain.
To be honest, I'm not okay.

Running away from myself

Eventually, you have to realize that running can only lead you so far. No one gets to choose where they begin but that's what we're stuck with. We can't escape our histories, but we can let go of all the mysteries. When people see dandelions, "Some see a weed, some see a wish".  Are we seeking an escape; because escapes inevitably lead to more and more escapes, or are we pursuing freedom? Freedom is a release, but escape is a drug. Constantly inhaling to feel alive again. Yet, here's another struggle we have to escape from. Where do we end up? Where we started, if not farther down. Stop running, let go and allow yourself to be pursued. Really, this is more for me than you. But if this applies, think about it. Freedom beats escape any day.
Xoxo

To the one I've failed to protect

I miss the person you were.
I regret change not for my sake, but for yours.
I miss your kind smile,
and the innocence in your eyes.
We've both taken separate roads and although I swore to never lose you;
I see us now and I swear our friendship is falling through.
What is this you do to yourself?
Doubt, insecurity; hiding who you were like a doll on a shelf.
Is this some sort of game?
A ploy to gain some sort of fulfilling fame?
You are more than you think;
I believe in you, you are capable of more than they say and so much more than you believe.
Drop the label; you are made up of so much more than the reputation you aspire toward.

uncompromising conviction

I've been using people to make myself feel better. like look at me or love me so I feel good about myself. if you reject me I have to find some sort of way to fix it so I'm not left questioning my identity and my self worth. I've been so focused on making myself feel important that I've totally compromised my consideration of other people.. I've put security above kindness and I've put my own needs above the needs of others. I've placed my identity in the hands of those around me and I've allowed my emotions to follow the course of their actions. I've become apathetic to their needs and their emotions. how did this happen? 

Hatred

Actually I hate myself.
My body is somewhat of a trap.
I've lived my entire life believing that there's something more to me than meets the eye.
That I'm good.
If you get to know me or if you know the me I want you to know, you'll love me.
But, I've come to the entire realization that if my theory isn't true, then my entire life is a lie.
At least other people are honest with themselves.
At least other people have talents, passions, or visions.
But, who am I?
I've put my identity into unreliable vices.
Who I am rests with the unchanging currents titled grades, or performance, or something close to that.
Who I am comes and goes with what I do or how I act that day.
Insecurity is an ugly thing; it makes you hate people you don't even know.
And guess what?
It's taken over me.
I've never been completely honest with myself, but I hate who I am.
I think I'm ugly, shallow and that I'll never amount to much.
I just want to scream right now.
I want to run away.
But, no matter how fast or far you run, you'll never outrun yourself.
And I have to outrun myself.
Because I hate who I am.

When you're unsure

Dear girl,
Ironically, life sometimes draws itself out of you. Life can suck. Life is complicated and sometimes complications can be messy and ugly, but that doesn't mean that because you are complicated or messy, you are anything short of extraordinary. You are every aspect of beautiful and you are strong. Maybe it doesn't seem like it right now, but you can get through this. It might be hard to see right now, but there is beauty in the world and life is an amazing gift. Don't give up on yourself just because you aren't who or where you think you should be right now. You can do this, and no matter how long it takes you, you will succeed. Success is measured by effort. Never forget how amazing you are and how much joy your existence brings to the people in this world. You are loved beyond measure.
"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." -The Help

an ongoing battle

I scratch myself. Not everyday but it becomes frequent when I'm stressed. Lately it's been getting worse due to stress and my inability to cope with negative emotions. For most of this year I've struggled with depression. It comes and it goes but it's still there. And it's been hard but it's an ongoing battle. For the first time in a while I felt something. It's been foreign for a while but today it payed me a visit; hope.

Write My Life

Hello loves :)
This is something I've never really done before. Normally I wrote poetry but today I've decided to try something new. This is a more understandable version of my "story", if you will. This is my life, thus far:
So.. about three or fours years ago, I started a new year at school. In previous years, I'd had plenty of friends and although I was shy, I always had someone to talk to or sit with during lunch. However, at the start of this new year, I was awkward. It wasn't the cute type of awkward either. I dressed rather..uniquely, to put it nicely, and I was totally unsure of myself and how I should act. For some reason, my friends from previous years didn't really like me and when I tried to reach out, they completely shut me out and I became "that" kid. I was the girl who hid in the corner because no one wanted to talk to me. They made fun of me and made no attempt to conceal it. This was really weird for me because throughout my entire life, I had always loved to be around people. However, during that year, since I didn't really have anyone to talk to, I became a forced introvert. I had one friend. She didn't go to my school and despite the fights we've had in the past (almost) five years, she's become my best friend. Anyways, although we were close, I had no idea how to tell her what was really going on because I was so used to being socially withdrawn. To this day, I've never told her: during that year, I wanted to die. I wasn't considering suicide seriously, but I grew to hate myself and I saw nothing good in life. I remember distinctly waking up every morning during the second semester and thinking to myself "Not this again". I would try to sleep in so I wouldn't have to go to school. But, the alarm always went off and I had to face another day of school. By the end of that year, my confidence was basically shattered and I was insecure, to say the least.
The next year, I decided I would never be the person I had been previously because people didn't like that person. People didn't like who I was. So, I became basically the opposite of who I was. I was crazy and loud and completely weird. However, as my confidence began to rebuild itself, I began receiving opinions from other people about who they thought I was and how they thought I should act. I can think of one word that people would have used to describe me throughout that year: Annoying. There was one girl in particular who everyone liked and with whom many of my friends were friends. She seemed nice and I decided that I wanted to be friends with her. But, she didn't like me and she made that clear. She felt the need to constantly affirm what I already believed of myself, I was annoying. She would point out my flaws and since she had so many friends and was well-liked, I assumed it was my fault. I believed for a very long time, that I was annoying and should succumb to the opinions of others, because their opinions were true. Eventually, I found real friends. However, I found it difficult to trust them due to the constants doubts that ran through my mind: I wasn't good enough, I was annoying.
My friends (and God, of course) have helped me to realize who I am and for a while, things seemed great. However, at the beginning of this year, I began to feel depressed. At first it was occasionally; it would start suddenly and then end as fast as it began. It was normal. However, the depressive phases became longer and there were 6 months at the beginning of this year where I felt as though there was no end to the darkness in which I felt I was living. Coupled with depression, I also struggle with anxiety. Stress and anxiety are normal, of course, but my anxiety has elevated throughout this year. I became obsessed with my grades and I could find a way to worry about everything. In order to cope with my panic attacks, I started to scratch. It was just my fingernails, but it wasn't healthy. Lately, the anxiety has subsided and with the support of friends, the scratching ended about 3 weeks ago. Anyways, during the depression/aggravated anxiety phase, I didn't open up to many people about what was really going on. There was one person I did open up to, though, and although they cared, they stopped responding to my messages and they basically left me to handle it by myself because they didn't know what to do (they also didn't ask). So, this reaffirmed my general distrust of opening up to people. Recently, this person has tried to reach out but I haven't reciprocated due to my governing rule, for lack of a better description. I forgive them for walking away, but I can't let them in again. I don't like it when people leave (in this case emotionally) and then try to come back and act as if nothing has changed. So, I walked away. I found people who cared about me and they've radically changed my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I couldn't do this without you.
To This Day

Love is..?

Some say love is blind. I, however, would argue that the truth is on the contrary. I would say that Love sees all and grows despite difficulties. Love is far from ignorant; Love is faithful, but not forceful. Love is encouraging, but not demanding. Love is honest, but not blunt. Love pursues, and more importantly, Love allows. Love is open to distance, but no matter the lapse of time, Love waits. Love is amazing, and Love is grace. Love is redemption, and Love is a new day.

Unrequited Love

I love how I can say the awkwardest thing and he will still smile.
I love how even on the worst of days, he is still kind.
I love the way he pulls away,
The way in which he simply stays.
I love how he understands without even meaning to.
Even during darkness, the light in him shines through.
Despite all of this being true,
I only wish he could understand the ways in which I try to say "I love you".

I'm not good at being by myself. At the end of the night, as everyone leaves, I am overcome with a deep sadness. Why? Because it's the beginning of the end. It's the beginning of loneliness.

i don't understand myself. i'm irritant and sad and i just don't want to do anything anymore. i feel like i'm sobbing on the inside and i don't know why. i've been told i should be happy but i have no idea how to do that. i've tried to fix myself but it isn't working. all this brokenness is beginning to show through and i'm falling apart. i'm numb but at the time, i'm in so much pain. i feel like i've been ripped apart on the inside and i'm trying to glue everything back together but the pieces don't fit.

broken poetry

it's hard to tell the difference between black and white when everything's gray
it's hard to understand right and wrong when everything's ok
it's easier to leave than it is to stay
I know that with all this emotional baggage, I'm the one to blame
I swear that with you it was never a game
if you leave ill understand
please realize that when I ask you to stay its not a demand
please don't go
I can't do this alone


disclaimer: this only rhymes because I was experimenting a little

society's opinion

I am less than the average.
I fall beneath the standards set for me.
I am ugly.
I am pretty.
I am skinny.
I am fat.
I'm bipolar, I can never make up my mind.
I am my worst flaw.
I am my greatest success.
But, I can never really succeed.
I must be better.
I must be good enough.
For I am society, and you are defined by me.

broken wings

empty swings. empty stares. friends i once knew, emotions i once felt. painful reminders that everything's changed. but, at the same time, everything's the same. time has passed. people have left. but, what's the point? what's the point in remembering, or forgetting? it doesn't change anything; pain is pain no matter what form it delivers itself in.

~estoy aprendiendo volar

admiration

I admire people who do what I cannot or who have the patience to do what I choose not to do.
I admire people who struggle yet find resolve despite their circumstances.
I admire people who choose to be alone rather than forcing themselves to be compromised in order to fit in.
I admire you. I may not know you, or maybe I do. But I admire your qualities- whether they be bold or soft- they are what make you unique. And I admire you for being unique.

which is which?

It's hardest at night. When the stillness sets in. At the end of a party, when everyone's left but the decorations are still hanging. When everyone's gone to bed, and I'm still awake. The past haunts me, the future daunts me. Yet, the present is the worst because there is nothing. There's nothing for me here.   I'm not saying it's not worth sticking around for. Of course whatever's out there is worth waiting for. I suppose a part of me is afraid to be happy. Even for just a moment. It used to be so easy. Now, even in the happiest moments, on the sunniest days, a voice in the back of my head tells me that this won't last. That the darkness will return, stronger than before. Ghosts of what should be, of what could be, tell me that the happiness isn't worth its price: the unbearable sadness.
What if.. sadness and happiness are twins? Completely identical from the outside, but radically different on the inside. Or perhaps it's not so much the nature of the inside that's different. What if the qualities of sadness were brought about by nurture rather than nature? Maybe, sadness is happiness under different circumstances.

redefinitions & reactions

It is better to be ugly on the outside and beautiful on the inside than it is to be ugly on the inside and pretty on the outside. They might have a pretty face, the words they say might hurt, people might even agree with them. That's because they don't know you. If they knew you, they wouldn't say the words they say.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
No longer will I let people, or their opinions, define me. I refuse to stand underneath the titles they place upon me and the words with which they define me. I will rise against the slurs, the remarks, and the taunts. I will stand amidst the rude words spoken to me and I will walk on. I will not dignify their insecurities with a reaction. Words spoken by ignorant mouthes do not deserve any response.
~define yourself from truth, not opinion

override

I just don't see an end to this. I feel completely estranged, shut off from everyone else. I feel as though there is me and then there is also the rest of the world. Parallel. It feels as though I am invisible, wandering through life as a ghost. People seem unaware. I feel unnoticed.
They're all lies, I know but what is truth, really? It seems like what's been called true lately is entirely false. My emotions are overriding my logic and maybe some part of it is true but my emotions magnify everything to an extreme level. I've felt so much for so long although it feels like I feel nothing at all.

numbing stillness

I'm totally numb. It's like, I've been in pain for so long that I just stopped feeling. Good isn't good enough, and words that used to mean so much are just that, words. I feel like I lost myself. It's as though I died but in a way, I'm still alive. In between death and life, I suppose. Breathe in, breathe out. I have no idea what I'm thinking anymore, where my ideas come from, or who I am. Of course, I have constants, a few, like my stars. During this time, I've felt more estranged from them than ever. They say it's from a state of selfishness, and that I should pray. I've prayed for so long, and I've read so many verses, sang so many songs but no matter how hard I try, it won't go away. I haven't felt God, or even happiness, for so long. The happiness is now completely temporary, and I'm so afraid to be happy because I'm afraid that after a short while, it won't mean anything. I feel completely alone, isolated, even when I'm surrounded by people. And all the people that I've told, they either have no idea what to say, or they leave. I can't continue this search. This desperate attempt at living. This is survival. This is instinct. God, help me, I need to feel okay again. I need to love again.

beautiful world

I am terrified of being alone; "I lie.. I pretend until I'm almost certain: it's a beautiful world." I've been pretending for so long. Honestly, I have no idea what's a lie and what isn't anymore. Do people always leave? Because for a while it's felt like no one's stayed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2D0CPpOXI-8

At a happier time

I can sing all the songs,

I know most of the verses.

But, they're just words now. 

I can give you answers,

I know all the right lies to tell.

All you see is a girl with a smile.

What isn't there to know?

I'm crying on the inside.

I have that no one's seen.

I have secrets no one knows.

Yet, everything's alright.

Or so I've said so many times.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I gave up on myself.

Right now all I can see is pain, hurt, and despair.

I can be happy, but the happiness only lasts for so long. 

Number 2: Just a thought

You're smarter than you think, and to be honest, there's more good in you than you or anyone else believes. You are so amazing, yet that is suppressed under your apathetic approach to life and the lives of other people. You could change the world, if you only tried. I believe that one day you will realize this, and you will try. You are going to change the world one day and you don't even know it. Perhaps if you stepped away from yourself and how good you can make yourself look, you would realize the impact you could have.

something to believe in

I'm afraid to tell you a lot.
In fact, I'm afraid to tell you anything.
Time passes so slowly, yet it's passed so fast.
Sometimes, I wish I could move forward.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back.
It's hard to be someone else when all I want to be is myself.
It's hard to be myself when all I want is to be someone else.
It's hard to accept change when I wish for things to stay the same.
It's hard to accept the same when I wish for change.
It's hard to keep asking when I don't hear any answers.
It's hard to wait for something different when nothing seems to change.
It's almost as if I'm traveling down rather than upward.
Maybe it's perspective I need.
I live in a decent house, I have nice friends, I'm comfortable.
I'm very blessed.
Yet, all I can see is this struggle, this pain, this despair that I cannot overcome.
Believe me, I've tried.
But did I try surrender?
I asked for an end but maybe this is only the beginning.
Maybe this darkness leads to light.
Maybe this pain, this change, is only God's grace in disguise.
Maybe something better will come of this.
Is the maybe really necessary?
I believe in a holy, loving God who can bring beauty from ashes, who can soften the heart of stone, and who can make everything from nothing.
If my God can do all of these things then surely, my struggle is like a dwarf to a giant.
Truly, my struggle, to God, is small. But to my struggle, God is massive. God is conquering.

Forgiveness and Pain

A friend of mine told me it's ok to be honest, to open up, and to have an opinion of my own. This isn't for her, but for another; someone I will probably never again call a friend.

The look in your eyes was the worst; after you said it.
A look of "It's what you deserved".
Then everybody laughed, as if it was a joke.
I laughed too, but not because it was funny.
Because it was irony.
You love to announce that you love me, yet only once have you told me that you were proud of me.
You used to believe, but then you gave up.
In some twisted way, you now believe that I'm not good enough.
For what?
Anything.
You've defined me as a project: your project.
Guess what?
I am not your project.
I am not an object.
Your goals, your desires, your definitions for me are no longer valid.
Your love is void.
It is not ok: what you said.
It will never be ok.
No matter what you say, nothing will change.
It still hurt. You still said it. And most importantly, I still forgive you.

An explanation of the (new) title

Most often, pain comes from change. Change however, in the long run, is beneficial. After all, healthy people grow and growing people change. I would say that change is the grace of God working in us. Therefore, since pain is a temporary price of change, I would even suggest that pain is the temporary affect of the change evoked in us by the grace and plans of God. Simply, it is my opinion that pain is grace. Yet, while experiencing pain, I am unable to see it as such. I view pain as a struggle: something to overcome. But, change hurts. Change takes time. God's plans take time.

2 months

Hi. I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm confused and conflicted. I don't understand much of anything anymore. I have absolutely no idea how to express myself. This is my struggle.