Friday, May 31, 2013

Write My Life

Hello loves :)
This is something I've never really done before. Normally I wrote poetry but today I've decided to try something new. This is a more understandable version of my "story", if you will. This is my life, thus far:
So.. about three or fours years ago, I started a new year at school. In previous years, I'd had plenty of friends and although I was shy, I always had someone to talk to or sit with during lunch. However, at the start of this new year, I was awkward. It wasn't the cute type of awkward either. I dressed rather..uniquely, to put it nicely, and I was totally unsure of myself and how I should act. For some reason, my friends from previous years didn't really like me and when I tried to reach out, they completely shut me out and I became "that" kid. I was the girl who hid in the corner because no one wanted to talk to me. They made fun of me and made no attempt to conceal it. This was really weird for me because throughout my entire life, I had always loved to be around people. However, during that year, since I didn't really have anyone to talk to, I became a forced introvert. I had one friend. She didn't go to my school and despite the fights we've had in the past (almost) five years, she's become my best friend. Anyways, although we were close, I had no idea how to tell her what was really going on because I was so used to being socially withdrawn. To this day, I've never told her: during that year, I wanted to die. I wasn't considering suicide seriously, but I grew to hate myself and I saw nothing good in life. I remember distinctly waking up every morning during the second semester and thinking to myself "Not this again". I would try to sleep in so I wouldn't have to go to school. But, the alarm always went off and I had to face another day of school. By the end of that year, my confidence was basically shattered and I was insecure, to say the least.
The next year, I decided I would never be the person I had been previously because people didn't like that person. People didn't like who I was. So, I became basically the opposite of who I was. I was crazy and loud and completely weird. However, as my confidence began to rebuild itself, I began receiving opinions from other people about who they thought I was and how they thought I should act. I can think of one word that people would have used to describe me throughout that year: Annoying. There was one girl in particular who everyone liked and with whom many of my friends were friends. She seemed nice and I decided that I wanted to be friends with her. But, she didn't like me and she made that clear. She felt the need to constantly affirm what I already believed of myself, I was annoying. She would point out my flaws and since she had so many friends and was well-liked, I assumed it was my fault. I believed for a very long time, that I was annoying and should succumb to the opinions of others, because their opinions were true. Eventually, I found real friends. However, I found it difficult to trust them due to the constants doubts that ran through my mind: I wasn't good enough, I was annoying.
My friends (and God, of course) have helped me to realize who I am and for a while, things seemed great. However, at the beginning of this year, I began to feel depressed. At first it was occasionally; it would start suddenly and then end as fast as it began. It was normal. However, the depressive phases became longer and there were 6 months at the beginning of this year where I felt as though there was no end to the darkness in which I felt I was living. Coupled with depression, I also struggle with anxiety. Stress and anxiety are normal, of course, but my anxiety has elevated throughout this year. I became obsessed with my grades and I could find a way to worry about everything. In order to cope with my panic attacks, I started to scratch. It was just my fingernails, but it wasn't healthy. Lately, the anxiety has subsided and with the support of friends, the scratching ended about 3 weeks ago. Anyways, during the depression/aggravated anxiety phase, I didn't open up to many people about what was really going on. There was one person I did open up to, though, and although they cared, they stopped responding to my messages and they basically left me to handle it by myself because they didn't know what to do (they also didn't ask). So, this reaffirmed my general distrust of opening up to people. Recently, this person has tried to reach out but I haven't reciprocated due to my governing rule, for lack of a better description. I forgive them for walking away, but I can't let them in again. I don't like it when people leave (in this case emotionally) and then try to come back and act as if nothing has changed. So, I walked away. I found people who cared about me and they've radically changed my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I couldn't do this without you.
To This Day