Hatred

Actually I hate myself.
My body is somewhat of a trap.
I've lived my entire life believing that there's something more to me than meets the eye.
That I'm good.
If you get to know me or if you know the me I want you to know, you'll love me.
But, I've come to the entire realization that if my theory isn't true, then my entire life is a lie.
At least other people are honest with themselves.
At least other people have talents, passions, or visions.
But, who am I?
I've put my identity into unreliable vices.
Who I am rests with the unchanging currents titled grades, or performance, or something close to that.
Who I am comes and goes with what I do or how I act that day.
Insecurity is an ugly thing; it makes you hate people you don't even know.
And guess what?
It's taken over me.
I've never been completely honest with myself, but I hate who I am.
I think I'm ugly, shallow and that I'll never amount to much.
I just want to scream right now.
I want to run away.
But, no matter how fast or far you run, you'll never outrun yourself.
And I have to outrun myself.
Because I hate who I am.

When you're unsure

Dear girl,
Ironically, life sometimes draws itself out of you. Life can suck. Life is complicated and sometimes complications can be messy and ugly, but that doesn't mean that because you are complicated or messy, you are anything short of extraordinary. You are every aspect of beautiful and you are strong. Maybe it doesn't seem like it right now, but you can get through this. It might be hard to see right now, but there is beauty in the world and life is an amazing gift. Don't give up on yourself just because you aren't who or where you think you should be right now. You can do this, and no matter how long it takes you, you will succeed. Success is measured by effort. Never forget how amazing you are and how much joy your existence brings to the people in this world. You are loved beyond measure.
"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." -The Help

an ongoing battle

I scratch myself. Not everyday but it becomes frequent when I'm stressed. Lately it's been getting worse due to stress and my inability to cope with negative emotions. For most of this year I've struggled with depression. It comes and it goes but it's still there. And it's been hard but it's an ongoing battle. For the first time in a while I felt something. It's been foreign for a while but today it payed me a visit; hope.