untitled letter

Dear You,
If you ever read this, know that you're impossible to me. I can't understand you or what you do no matter how hard I try. I've tried for a very long time to let you in, and I hoped that you would do the same for me. However, you've neither let me in nor cared that I tried to let you in. You are human, and you never knew the depth at which I cared for you. Part of it is my fault for never telling you, but part of it is your fault for never caring enough to see that I wanted to tell you. I believe it was best: that I didn't tell you. You and I, we're complicated. If life were simpler, if circumstances were easier, maybe you would have seen. Maybe I would have shown you. I honestly believe that God can make everything from nothing. Darling, we have more than nothing, but we are far from everything. Maybe I am stupid for expecting you to care. Maybe I am ignorant to believe that you would ever care. Or maybe, I am just human for wishing that you cared about me the way I care about you. I will continue to love you; after all, that is what I promised myself when I said I would love you always. However, I promised myself that I would not be the girl on the sidelines. I want you to be happy, but currently, I cannot see myself being happy without you. But, just as happiness is temporary, so is unhappiness. I do not expect you soon, darling, I do not even expect you ever. One day, I hope you will see everything I've tried to show you. Maybe that day is tomorrow, maybe that day is later, or maybe that day is never. 


As I've told myself so many times, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4

Real love

Real love loves despite flaws, despite imperfection, and despite mistakes. Real love is focused on the object of its affection not the actions of said object. Often we replace real love with infatuation and with time and mistakes, infatuation fades. Real love does not lessen, but grows. Real love is there when nothing else is, and real love carries throughout the darkest of nights as well as the brightest of days. Real love, to be stated simply, is always.

Maybe it's not about what we can see. Our lenses are small; our eyes can only see what's directly in front of us. Unless we turn, unless we open ourselves to new possibilities, to new ideas. If we change our perspective, perhaps we would realize that it's not about us. Me, myself and I. Those words hold so little value when compared to you, us, we. Sometimes the only way to move on from struggle is to help another through theirs because in that time ours becomes second priority and we find that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't as difficult as we thought it was.

Breaking escape

I wanted-no- I needed to escape. The city around me like four padded walls from which no one could hear me scream encased me similar to a butterfly in a cocoon. However, unlike the butterfly, while inside the cocoon I became uglier and weaker with every passing day. With all the strength I could muster, I convinced myself that it was now I could make my escape. So, with one step after another, I sprinted away from my prison toward freedom. Just as I was stepping away from what I'd been traveling toward, fantasy and reality collided like the dark and the light-although it was impossible to tell which was which- and I descended deeper into my nightmare. My green eyes and opened and met with my reflection. So, this is hell. I was in the same place that I'd nearly escaped from seconds before. However, for me, the nightmare resumed when my eyes were open rather than closed. I preferred to drown in my daydreams rather than wade in my reality. My life was my nightmare.

Where is the Happy Ending?

Once upon a time, there lived a girl who wanted to be a princess. Everyday, her father would place a crown on her head and tell that "By blood or not, she was his princess". The little girl used to run around the house, proudly dawning her crown and royal attire. As she grew, the little girl found that she was not as sweet as she used to be and that life was suddenly not so simple. The girl entered the world and with age, her innocence was lost and the crown fell off. This girl now discovered that without the crown, she was no longer a princess and was merely just a girl. She found herself broken, lost, and scared. Unsure of what to do, the princess ran away from everything she knew. As she ran, she questioned herself: "Is this freedom or just another escape?".

The constant question on the mind of every human: why? After numerous thoughts and further questions follows the resounding answer of: I don't know. We are confused, we are broken, and we have no idea why this is our life. Why this place in which we've settled is called home? Where do we belong? Does anyone know anything they claim to? People who dwell in doubt often find themselves destroyed. Forget about the whys. Stop questioning the whens. God's plan isn't timed.

You, me, them, us

Forget about the things they told you to say.

Forget about the person they told you to be.

After all what do they know?

You've lost yourself trying to find who you wanted to be.

You're drowning in people while trying to change the perspective of the people around you.

However, it's you whose perspective has been changed.

Who are you anyways?

Did you even know in the first place?

It's easy for your beliefs to be compromised when you never truly believed them in the first place.

It's easy to fall when there are a thousand people dragging you down.

One against a thousand.

The odds were never in your favor.

And, not surprisingly, you lost.

Forget about the game you've been trying to play. 

Forget about the person you believed you needed to be.

All you need to be is yourself.

Never let the world change your heart. 

Give your heart to the One who will never change despite the circumstances of life. 

the struggle

Dear girl,
Life is definitely not what any of us expected. The world has this way of telling us that our value is determined by our looks, or our status, when in reality, our value isn't determined by any of those things. I think we see the struggle, we see the pain, we the hurt and the brokenness. In truth, it's the hard times that bring out the worst in us. It's the rain, the sweat, and the tears that show us the scars of who we were and who we struggle to no longer be. We see the struggle, but we don't see the resolve. Maybe because it's not our struggle to resolve. Our struggle has been resolved for us. It's our job to accept, not to initiate. I don't believe in myself. I can't do anything. I believe in Jesus who assures me that He's done everything for me. It's my job to accept.

Fighting the wrong battle

It's the worst times that bring out the worst in us. It's the sweat and the rain and the tears that pull out the pain and show us the scars of who we were and who a part of us still remains to be. 
~God, I want to be yours not theirs

Captivation

You will have good days and bad.
You will be happy and sad.
Some days it will seem as you are all alone and you will be overwhelmed.
But the point of life is not to pursue something we can never catch, but to stop and realize that we have been pursued from the start.
To accept the pursuit and to be captivated by the source of life itself and be pulled through life with a power unstoppable.
Our mission is to be lead.
And on our journey, to lead, gently leading others to their destination and allowing them to decide for themselves whether or not they want to live doing what they were created to do.
Our mission is to change the world not to be changed by the world.
Be strong. Never let someone tell you you cannot do what you know you are supposed to do.

Pursuit

Dear girl,
You see what you like and what you like doesn't see you so you pursue.
However, pursuit is most times more hurtful than helpful.
You find that what (let's call him a who) you like doesn't like you so you hope that in pursuing him, he will initiate.
But, girl, you've missed the point.
It is him who is supposed to pursue for this is what he was designed to do.
It is not your job to chase after him like a child playing tag.
Girl, you are worth so much more than the sacrifice of your dignity to pursue a guy not worth your time.
If he is unwilling to pursue you, he is not worthy of you.
Always remember, dear girl, that the right guy will chase you. He will pursue you with his love, and if you are unready to be pursued, he will stay. His love will remain, but he will wait.
He will wait because he realizes that you are worth the time he's spent without you.
And you are.
Believe it.
~You are beautiful; wouldn't you rather have one amazing guy notice that rather than a bunch of stupid ones?

Dear girl

Dear girl,
On the outside you appear self centered, desperate, and confident.
You act like you own the world but guess what?
The world owns you.
You act like you have it all together, but on the inside you're falling apart.
All the stupid things you do, you do because you want to be noticed. To be loved. And no matter how many eyes are staring; it's still not enough. You want more.
But don't you see?
You're so much better than all the silly games you play.
You play because you have no idea what you're doing and you're trying to figure it out.
But guess what, girl?
You've got it all wrong.
From the beginning of time you have been loved.
 So, stop searching.
Stop wandering.
Stop looking.
Because, girl, you'll never be truly fulfilled.
You are found. And you are truly, deeply, wondrously loved.
Dwell in His love.

Years

It's funny. How life turns out. The unexpected often becomes the reality and the expectations we used to find so significant begin to lose their worth. It's crazy. How much difference a year can make. People change. I think every human is a living testament to that. "Healthy people grow and growing people change."
Grow, loves, and change as you do so.

Is love a choice?

They say you can't choose who you love. They also say love is a verb. A verb is an action, and a lot of the time an action is a choice. Choose to move, choose to speak. But there are certain things one does naturally. One could argue that breathe is a verb and you don't choose to breathe. Another could retort: you can hold your breath. Really, the argument could go either way. One could argue that to love comes naturally, but that one could also choose to stop loving. However, there are a lot of things that are neither black nor white, wrong nor right. I guess, there isn't really an answer to this long debated topic. A valid argument could be offered for either case. Neither party should claim to be right, because honestly, no one is. We are human so naturally we have no idea what we're talking about. I'm willing to admit I'm as confused as anyone. But, for relationships' sakes, I am willing to let it go. It is more important to love others than it is to be completely sure if their actions are right or wrong.
Consider, loves, why you believe what you believe.

Reflection

There are days when you feel as though there is no happiness in the world. There are also days when you feel as though there is no sadness in the world. On the better days, reflect momentarily on your sadness for true is happiness is sadness remembered.
I suppose then it could also be true to say that true sadness is happiness remembered and wished for. You are not content with the present situation so you dwell upon happenings of the past causing you to be more troubled by the present.
"Expectation is the root of all heartache." -Shakespeare
When you are sad, do not dwell upon happiness that lives in the past but look toward the future with hope for an even greater joy.

~And as this summer anthem comes to an end, I wait for it to begin again but suddenly realize it will not. Why? It is time for a new song.
Happy ending, loves, and happy beginning.

Perspective: Truth

Emotions are not truth, they are simply one's perception at a certain moment. If emotions were truth, truth would be ever changing and completely unreliable. It is true that truth changes (did you see what I did there?) but only per situation. Truth, at its core, is ultimate. The question I propose to you today (at an odd time such as this), dear readers, is this: is truth perfect?
~An answer I seek not, but a deeper thought.
Sweet dreams, loves. -M

My mind is a maze

"I didn't know love could shine this bright. Well smile, because you're the deer in the headlights."

I can't think of anything to say. But one thing I know to be true: no matter what you're going through, your life is worth more than your death. Because, things-good or bad- will reverse themselves and it truly worth something to look back at finished trials and realize that you've made it through to something greater.

Life is beautiful; take the time to enjoy it. Don't rush.

~my thoughts are jumbled. this is only part of the maze.

Hidden Struggles

You say beauty is bone thin.
Bones break.
You say beauty is based off of weight,
But weight is just a number.
Why can't you see that you're beautiful?
That the mirror only shows the surface?
You think you can fix yourself, that you can make yourself beautiful,
But don't you see that there's nothing wrong with you? That you are beautiful.
Starved to the bare minimum, you fight to survive.
But don't let your life hang in the balance.
You're worth so much more than your weight.
~I hate anorexia

4am is the worst time to be awake because everyone else is asleep. You are my day dream; you are my nightmare. Sweet dreams, loves.

What could have been said, but wasn't

Eventually all things come to an end. Whether it be the conclusion to a great book, or the last day of school, endings come and whether ends are for the better or worse, they are still ends. Optimism says that the end is only a different beginning, but in order for something new to begin, something old must end. Eventually, once upon a times turn into happily ever afters and hellos turn into goodbyes. Whoever said that the end means never again? Whoever said goodbye means forever? Whoever said that letting go doesn't mean holding on? Granted, not everything will be the same, but some things will never change. Beginnings lead to endings and endings lead to beginnings. The past turns into the future and the future turns into the past. Life is a journey; not a destination. Goodbye: and hello. 

perspective

Perspective: it's the way you see life. I like to play with angles, to look at things a different way and that's when I see beauty. I think brokenness is beauty because brokenness is difference. If we were all perfect, we would just be perfect. There are not different types of perfection, there's just perfection. Plain and simple. But, people are broken in so many different way. There are those who shatter as well as those who are completely cracked on the inside but sealed in such a way that from the outside it's impossible to tell what's really going on inside. And, it's beautiful, because when we break, the pieces scatter and we lose a few pieces trying to find the ones we lost. We can't put the pieces back the way they originally were but we find that they fit together in a different way. They can create something new, and with God's fingers to hold us together, we can be something truly new. Redemption. Yes, we're still broken, but it's the cracks and the scars that show us who we are and who we've become despite the many times we've fallen apart.

Real love isn't found overnight

I wish Romeo and Juliet ended happily. I believe that once upon a times- or beginnings in general- should end with happily ever afters. Reality bites. All stories begin with once upon a times, but it is up to the writer of the story to decide whether or not that will lead to a happily ever after. I think every princess deserves a prince charming, but fairy tales don't give us a very good of a true prince- or princess for that matter. For example, Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella in a matter of hours, while dancing with her when she looked her best, and they exchanged very few words. When Cinderella ran away, Prince Charming did the right thing in pursuing her but when he came upon her he couldn't even recognize the girl he'd fallen in love with the night before. Real love does not come about in a matter of hours and if you truly love someone, you will recognize them at their very worst as well as at their very best. "Sometimes knights in shining armor are just jerks in tinfoil." Image isn't everything; Love recognizes the object of its affection- and loves it nonetheless- in all its forms: worst and best. Good and bad.

A butterfly without wings

I am the very definition of a people pleaser. My reputation holds more value than my character itself. And I'm ashamed to say but this is true. I need affirmation from people to even think that I am loved but i doubt almost every one of them--do they really know me? Ive spent the past two years radically changing myself to fit into someone else's box. And do those people even care? No. It's the ones who do care that have seen me broken and lost and unsure who care and despite all of this they still love me. And if I continue to warp myself I may not be able to change back into who I want to be. I might find mysel stuck and I might lose what matters most- those who love me. I will not warp, I will not be stuffed into a box created by people who do not know me. I will be softened and I will be molded but only by hands who have created before; by hands who know what they're doing. by defenition, I will be molded by Gods hands.

You're sinking, not swimming

"This is just the way it works."
"This is normal."
"It's okay."
"I'm fine."
No, you're not.
They're all lies.
You're trying to breathe but you're suffocating in your own air.
You're trying to swim but you're drowning in your own tears.
You dug your own grave, and you let yourself fall in.
You let them push you to the edge and then you jumped.
And even as you fall,
You don't listen at all.
When you hit the ground you'll shatter; it's gone. This is all.
But, there is more.
There is hope.
There is life.
Love is right behind you. <3

Count on me

I'm going to let you go, watch you fall, then help you stand. I'm going to let you push me away, I'm going to hold on to my promise for you while at the same time letting you make your own decisions. I will never forget you, but I will move on as well. Maybe we aren't as close, but once a true friend, always a true friend. So, here's to different ways, lots of mistakes, and heartbreak. I'm always here for you. </3

I made up people in my mind; you were one of them

Empty stares. Meaningless words. Silent glares. Piercing silence. I try to speak, But you look away. I try to listen, But you won't speak. Talk to me. Listen to me. Love me. That's all I ask. Be my friend. I want to be yours.

I'm not who you think I am

You tell me that there's something wrong with me.
You say that I need too much.
You judge: you don't listen.
I know you think you care,
I know you think you really do,
But, to me it's pain.
Hearing your opinion over and over, when,
I never asked.
Please, listen.
Listen to me.
Be my friend.
Love me without judging.
That's what friends do. <3

The Cause

I like people. And there are people that like me, too. But ten there are those people who don't like me. And sometimes I don't exactly like them either. And life sucks, because people aren't who they say they are and they don't often live up to our expectations. But, that's because we're human. Things werent always like this. We know, deep down, that we were made for so much more than all of this. We were made for grace; for redemption. We were not made to pursue something but to be pulled through life by the One who pursues us. We were meant to be captivated by the Cause. Discipleship. This is our true calling.

So, I've been dreaming...

"When you dream about someone it means they miss you." -Psychological fact

If this is true, then why do you haunt my dreams?