Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Number 2: Just a thought

You're smarter than you think, and to be honest, there's more good in you than you or anyone else believes. You are so amazing, yet that is suppressed under your apathetic approach to life and the lives of other people. You could change the world, if you only tried. I believe that one day you will realize this, and you will try. You are going to change the world one day and you don't even know it. Perhaps if you stepped away from yourself and how good you can make yourself look, you would realize the impact you could have.

Monday, January 21, 2013

something to believe in

I'm afraid to tell you a lot.
In fact, I'm afraid to tell you anything.
Time passes so slowly, yet it's passed so fast.
Sometimes, I wish I could move forward.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back.
It's hard to be someone else when all I want to be is myself.
It's hard to be myself when all I want is to be someone else.
It's hard to accept change when I wish for things to stay the same.
It's hard to accept the same when I wish for change.
It's hard to keep asking when I don't hear any answers.
It's hard to wait for something different when nothing seems to change.
It's almost as if I'm traveling down rather than upward.
Maybe it's perspective I need.
I live in a decent house, I have nice friends, I'm comfortable.
I'm very blessed.
Yet, all I can see is this struggle, this pain, this despair that I cannot overcome.
Believe me, I've tried.
But did I try surrender?
I asked for an end but maybe this is only the beginning.
Maybe this darkness leads to light.
Maybe this pain, this change, is only God's grace in disguise.
Maybe something better will come of this.
Is the maybe really necessary?
I believe in a holy, loving God who can bring beauty from ashes, who can soften the heart of stone, and who can make everything from nothing.
If my God can do all of these things then surely, my struggle is like a dwarf to a giant.
Truly, my struggle, to God, is small. But to my struggle, God is massive. God is conquering.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Forgiveness and Pain

A friend of mine told me it's ok to be honest, to open up, and to have an opinion of my own. This isn't for her, but for another; someone I will probably never again call a friend.

The look in your eyes was the worst; after you said it.
A look of "It's what you deserved".
Then everybody laughed, as if it was a joke.
I laughed too, but not because it was funny.
Because it was irony.
You love to announce that you love me, yet only once have you told me that you were proud of me.
You used to believe, but then you gave up.
In some twisted way, you now believe that I'm not good enough.
For what?
You've defined me as a project: your project.
Guess what?
I am not your project.
I am not an object.
Your goals, your desires, your definitions for me are no longer valid.
Your love is void.
It is not ok: what you said.
It will never be ok.
No matter what you say, nothing will change.
It still hurt. You still said it. And most importantly, I still forgive you.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

An explanation of the (new) title

Most often, pain comes from change. Change however, in the long run, is beneficial. After all, healthy people grow and growing people change. I would say that change is the grace of God working in us. Therefore, since pain is a temporary price of change, I would even suggest that pain is the temporary affect of the change evoked in us by the grace and plans of God. Simply, it is my opinion that pain is grace. Yet, while experiencing pain, I am unable to see it as such. I view pain as a struggle: something to overcome. But, change hurts. Change takes time. God's plans take time.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2 months

Hi. I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm confused and conflicted. I don't understand much of anything anymore. I have absolutely no idea how to express myself. This is my struggle.