Saturday, February 9, 2013

numbing stillness

I'm totally numb. It's like, I've been in pain for so long that I just stopped feeling. Good isn't good enough, and words that used to mean so much are just that, words. I feel like I lost myself. It's as though I died but in a way, I'm still alive. In between death and life, I suppose. Breathe in, breathe out. I have no idea what I'm thinking anymore, where my ideas come from, or who I am. Of course, I have constants, a few, like my stars. During this time, I've felt more estranged from them than ever. They say it's from a state of selfishness, and that I should pray. I've prayed for so long, and I've read so many verses, sang so many songs but no matter how hard I try, it won't go away. I haven't felt God, or even happiness, for so long. The happiness is now completely temporary, and I'm so afraid to be happy because I'm afraid that after a short while, it won't mean anything. I feel completely alone, isolated, even when I'm surrounded by people. And all the people that I've told, they either have no idea what to say, or they leave. I can't continue this search. This desperate attempt at living. This is survival. This is instinct. God, help me, I need to feel okay again. I need to love again.

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