Some people have suggested counseling as an outlet for my issues. I, however, feel that counseling isn't the right choice for me. So, dear reader, this is my therapy.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
numbing stillness
I'm totally numb. It's like, I've been in pain for so long that I just stopped feeling. Good isn't good enough, and words that used to mean so much are just that, words. I feel like I lost myself. It's as though I died but in a way, I'm still alive. In between death and life, I suppose. Breathe in, breathe out. I have no idea what I'm thinking anymore, where my ideas come from, or who I am. Of course, I have constants, a few, like my stars. During this time, I've felt more estranged from them than ever. They say it's from a state of selfishness, and that I should pray. I've prayed for so long, and I've read so many verses, sang so many songs but no matter how hard I try, it won't go away. I haven't felt God, or even happiness, for so long. The happiness is now completely temporary, and I'm so afraid to be happy because I'm afraid that after a short while, it won't mean anything. I feel completely alone, isolated, even when I'm surrounded by people. And all the people that I've told, they either have no idea what to say, or they leave. I can't continue this search. This desperate attempt at living. This is survival. This is instinct. God, help me, I need to feel okay again. I need to love again.
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